House Hunting: misfires, poaching violations, and wounded bucks that got away

It feels like it’s been a good long while since I’ve written here. I guess a month is a long time, especially since I had planned on writing a post every Sunday. See, this is why people don’t make goals or resolutions. Even the easy ones are hard to meet. So depressing…

There have been plenty of cute things to report from the world of Soren and Lorelei; they never cease to amaze Melanie and me with how sharp their wits are (although it must be noted that Soren’s sharp wit has somewhat of an evil-scientist-bent; we are trying our best to guide him towards using this precociousness for good). Indeed, it would seem that every day they do something or say something that has us smiling, laughing, or—most often—trying to undo the advanced engineering they have performed on our electronics.

But I just haven’t had the energy to write about these things in detail. We’ve been house hunting, and it has taken all life, love and energy out of me.

In all seriousness, I’m amazed that people still buy homes. The fact that both realtors and lenders can—for the most part—go about their lives without being bullied, beaten, shot and chopped up into dog food is proof that our society is still very benevolent and forgiving towards those who seem determined to make our lives a living hell. (It must also be noted, however, that the fact that the legislators, who have done everything they can to make the home-buying process a nightmarish maze of red-tape, go about their lives WITHOUT being bullied, beaten, shot and chopped up into dog food shows that our culture willfully tolerates evil in our government and we are set for utter destruction).

I’m not sure exactly when we decided to look for a home. I think it was a combination of all the right things: a growing family, an energetic boy in need of a private yard (and a mother who deserves one to throw him in), a stable income, low prices and interest rates, etc. But it’s been at least two months since we began actively looking for a suitable home for the family. And we’ve come close, but close only counts in horseshoes and hand-grenades. In house-hunting, it just makes you angry and gives you ulcers.

Now, because Melanie and I are determined to be cheapskates and fly in the face of lenders and realtors who seem fixated on having us buy a home outside of our means, there seem to be only certain kinds of homes that fit both our size and price requirements: short sales and foreclosures. And boy do these homes have character! I’m not sure what kind of trouble the previous tenants were in before these houses were seized by the banks, but we witnessed some very interesting things when looking at, oh, probably 25 different homes in the Orem, Pleasant Grove and American Fork areas. We found a truck abandoned in the garage of one, a wedding dress in the closet of another, tool sets in the basement, a 4’ x 10’ painting of Snow White conversing with Doc, walls with holes punched in them, boxcars (yes, I said boxcars, like from a train. No, a real train. For crying out loud, I’m serious; go visit the place and see for yourself: http://www.utahrealestate.com/813976), and a scary old vagabond eating what looked like macaroni and hot dogs. Needless to say, the vast majority of these homes are fixer-uppers. We have no problem with fixer-uppers, thanks to the number of family and friends who have voluntarily (and involuntarily) offered to help us fix them. If you’re reading this, you’ve likely been volunteered. Fair warning.

Last week, we made an offer on a nice split-level that had been refurbished on the inside. It was a beautiful home on a great corner lot with a big yard and a sturdy, tall fence to keep our son corralled. But we low-balled it, and I guess the seller’s weren’t too thrilled with the offer. I can understand that. So we had been going back and forth with counter-offers until some schmuck comes in and offers full-price for the place. This blows my mind. People in this county must either be stupid, or really stupid. Anyone who offers full-price in this market has got to be wholly ignorant of the goings-on today. CNN et al would have us believe that the housing market has taken such a huge hit that buyers could demand that the sellers strip down to their skivvies, get on all fours and bark the national anthem before closing. And from what I can tell, the market IS that buyer-friendly. At least, until some eejit comes in and pays full price.

Long story short, we lost that property. No worries. It wasn’t perfect. We won’t be buying a perfect house (for Melanie and me, our perfect home is a 1,000 acre ranch near Steamboat Springs, CO with one of those nice Lincoln-log lodges; last I checked there was a property like that going for about $9.5 million, so…). There are actually many many other homes that fit our needs, so we’ll just keep moving on.

I have high hopes that we will have good news to report in the next two weeks. But for now, this whole process has been very bittersweet, and the writing here will be sparse until we get that stinkin’ home.

Until then, adieu.